Harp (Photo credit: spike55151)
It was a strange emotion, one that I couldn’t easily identify. It felt like a physical shift had taken place, like something had snapped off in my heart. It left a dull ache, a shortness of breath.
One moment I was fine, feeling confident and positive.
The next I felt hollow, as if someone had just let me in on a joke, and I was the butt of it.
I was the butt.
In trying to trace it back to its source, there was a conversation, the one when I was supposed to be thinking about new ways to develop my writing, except that 90% of the suggestions were things I already do naturally. So not only am I a know-it-all, now I’m a snob since I feel like I’ve got it pretty well figured out. Not that my novel’s published but I am on the right track.
It might have stemmed from the music on the radio, a harpist in the background playing a fairly simple, repetitive riff that was lovely and making the harpist millions. “I could do that,” I thought. And then it hit me: maybe I couldn’t do that. Maybe, although I play the harp and have since childhood, maybe I could never be that person who revels in being onstage, performing under pressure that way.
And that was it. The cogs clicked into place.
Maybe I’m a fraud.
Maybe I just think I’m a writer.
Maybe I just think I’m a good harpist.
Maybe I like the image of those roles and the sense of being set apart from regular, workadayjob people. If I can say I’m working on an article or preparing for a “gig” (see? even that sounds pretentious doesn’t it?) then I am doing something worthwhile, something more than simply being a stay at home mom.
In response to a failed attempt to make a tiger mask for my daughter’s school program, a dear friend gently pointed out that I can be domestic and not be crafty. WHAT?? I’m not crafty??
In the same way, I’m afraid that somewhere down the line a friend will gently pull me aside and tell me I’m more of an amateur writer than one with professional potential. That’s where the fear kicks in, when I think I’m on the road to being a writer and could discover, after I’ve worn out five pair of shoes, that I’ve been deluding myself this whole time, that I’m a dabbler not an author.
The harp thing, I can take that or lose it. I know that I was a skilled musician at one time, and in order to be one it takes a big investment of time and energy (having a pedal harp doesn’t hurt either). I don’t choose to invest my time that way now. I enjoy the music, I value music, but I don’t have to be the one playing it to benefit from it.
Is writing the same thing?
Will I look back on this time, shake my head and chuckle at my grandiose aspirations?
Possibly.
However, even while it is terrifying to say it out loud, I think I will always be glad I invested my time and energy in pursuing this dream. I don’t belittle the time I spent pursuing music, even though I don’t play in an orchestra or prestigious ensemble now. Why must a person continue the same activity over an entire life-span for it to count as a valid pursuit? Is it enough that a person put her whole heart into an endeavor, no matter how long that endeavor lasted?
I may be the butt of the joke, I may not realize how tiny I am or how microscopically small my chances are of being published, but isn’t it better to go after something with passion rather than sit idly by on the side-lines? What’s that phrase? Go Big or Go Home.
So even while it scares me and I think I may end up being a statistic,
I’m willing to invest time and energy in something I love doing, something that brings connection and joy, is a creative outlet and a salve for mind and soul, even if it ends up being for my own health and well-being. Even if people choose to look at my attempts as a joke,
I am willing to be the butt of that joke.
I’m going to be the biggest, best butt you ever did see.
Do you have any dreams that are taking a long time to happen? What do you do to counter-act fear in your life?
That’s right, go show ’em! Everyone has their moments of uncertainty, big or small. For me, I find it encouraging to look back at how far I’ve come. Yes, I will dig up those cringe-worthy narratives from third grade. Yes, I will facepalm at those spelling mistakes, bad sentences and TERRIBLE plot. Because I want to remember that I’ve been doing this before I worried about doing it right, back when I wrote simply because I loved it. If even a child could do it, who am I now? I’m not ready to let go of that young dreamer yet!
So do what you love! Take it all in stride. Fear is normal but it’s a recipe for growth if overcome. Write on, friend!
You are going to make me bawl. Thank you. Seriously. Thank you. I just might print out your comment and stick it on my shirt for a few days, I love it so much.
Oh no! *tissues fly* You’re the second person who has said this to my comments, haha! I must stop dropping onions wherever I go!
All the best with your writing, buddy. Chin up! It’ll all be worth it, promise (:
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Thanks for saying what so many of us feel and find hard to say. You’re not alone, sister! And I like your crazy courage 🙂
Thank you Julia. Just knowing that I’m not alone really does decrease the intensity of fear. I don’t feel very courageous, though. Not like you, my friend. I hear there are all sorts of big changes coming up for you and your family. That takes real courage. Hats off to you!
Had to add this – a quote I loved from Natalie Goldberg’s book on writing memoir. –
“In real life get out of the way when a person with a gun is running down the street. In your writing life step in front of his path, let him shoot you in the heart.”
“What you fear, if you turn toward it, will give your writing teeth.”
Natalie Goldberg, Old Friend from Far Away
Because that is exactly what you’ve done with this post, and I congratulate you heartily!
You ARE a writer, my friend. A writer is a person who writes, right? 🙂 So you can celebrate that every time you sit down at the keyboard or take pen in hand. The goal of being a published writer is just the next step, and you are well on the way. It’s just a goal that’s a little farther out there but that doesn’t mean unreachable, by any means. Thanks for sharing your doubts and fears – the same things ring through my head too. So our new motto will simply be GO BIG. We’re on a journey that’s fun and frustrating and amazing and heart-breaking – but what a ride!!
Big times words from an accomplished author. Thank you for the encouragement today. GO BIG. I like it.