Helping Kids Deal with a Pet’s Death

4
Feb

We’ve had bad run of luck here with animals. But before I can tell you about it, I have to tell you about the transformation that’s been happening since we moved to our house two years ago.

We acquired our dog first, nothing unusual about that. Here he is (and yes, despite the scarf and painful cuteness, he is male):

Don’t I look sassy?

And then this past spring we got chickens.

Two of our chickens prancing around the coop.

The chickens did well and after a few months we started to get eggs from them each day. We settled into a good pattern.

Then somehow my husband talked me into getting a kitten. It was going to stay in the garage and be an outside cat. We kept her out of the house (except when she snuck in), but I didn’t manage to keep her out of my stupid heart. I don’t even like cats! But she was irresistible. She ended up being fun all the way around for everyone; she had a great personality. The kids loved and hated the way she attacked their feet when they went out into the mudroom for their coats or backpacks. Even when she tripped us on the way out the door, it was because of love.

It was all going so well.

Two weeks ago, our kitty met an untimely demise in our garage. She darted across the garage as my husband slowly entered, and she misjudged her own speed and agility. Her death was quick, for which I was grateful.

When it happened and we realized there was no saving her, it was a study in child development to watch how my kids reacted. After about five minutes, my first grader and preschooler asked when we could get a new cat. They wanted to pet her and say goodbye, but it was more of a scientific observation. “Here is a dead cat” type of thing. However, my third grade son retreated to his room, where he asked if he could watch a video or read his book. His eyes were watery and he was upset.

I felt the same way. I wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened, and my first reaction was to find something that could distract me from being sad. I’m a happy gal usually, and feeling sadness is…well, a bummer. I noticed again that when dealing with a difficult situation, my gut reaction is to retreat.

When my son felt the sadness of loss, I didn’t want him to have to feel those emotions. I wanted to cheer him up (and myself too). However, rather than ignore or dull the experience, I took a different approach.

When children feel pain, it is important to assure them it isn’t the final thing they will feel.

Feelings can be scary and overwhelming. Parents can help them walk through the intensity.

Here are a couple suggestions:

If you can, try to keep your own emotions somewhat in check. It can be scary for a child to see his parent openly distraught. Sharing some tears is healthy; asking your child to bear your grief is not.
Assure your child that it is okay to feel sad, that it a strong feeling, much the same as anger (which my son and I have talked about in the past).
Kids don’t need to hide from their feelings even though they were kindof overwhelming. The feeling “sad” is not a permanent emotion, and “happy” will return.
I told my son it was good to be sad because he had loved the kitty and when pets we love die, we feel sad and will miss them.

We got through it. We aren’t getting another cat, even though my first grader seems to have one picked out in his mind. In another blog post, I plan to talk about the difference between the way we handle life and death with animals that we have for food production versus pets.

Was this helpful to you? I sure hope so. How do you deal with strong emotions and life lessons with your kids? I’d love to hear about it. But in parting, I’ll leave you with a photo of our kitten (almost cat) climbing up on our windshield:

Fuzzy pic but still cute

Quick and Cheap Infinity Scarf

1
Feb

How can a person resist the time-suckage that is Pinterest? It is an unstoppable force, especially when you’re looking for cute ideas you can do on the cheap. I submitted pieces to two, count ’em, TWO writing contests this week, so I gave myself the reward of doing something totally different than writing. I love, love LOVE writing, but sometimes it is good to engage a different part of your brain.

I’ve been looking for an Infinity Scarf “recipe” that would make a full-looking scarf that I could pull together without a bunch of sewing skills required (I’ve been known to bite off projects that were too tricky for me in the past).

I found one via Pinterest here: http://www.instructables.com/id/DIY-Flannel-Infinity-Scarf/#step1

I used the instructions but made a few modifications.

Jammie pants bought from the clearance rack make good material.

STEP ONE: Cut one pant leg up the inseam and across to outer seam (like you’re making shorts). Repeat on second leg. I decided I wanted a silly-long scarf, so I cut up the outside seam as well, which left me with four sections of material (I ended up only using three).

Lay pants legs on top of each other, wrong-side out, pin and sew.

Here’s the three sections sewn together (four sections seemed excessive).

STEP TWO: The original instructions would have had the “wrong side” fabric showing in the final product, but because my fabric was much lighter inside, I had to alter the plans. Once you’ve got your sections sewn together (as in the picture above), fold it in half long-ways with the wrong side out. Stitch this up and you’ll have a long tube.

Now fold back the end edges of your tube and sew ’em up.

STEP THREE: You’re getting close now. Finish the end edges of your tube so it won’t fray apart, just a little hem will do it.

Fold the entire tube right-side out, then proceed.

STEP FOUR: Next you fold the tube back right-side out. Hold one end in each hand, twist one end to give it the “infinity twist” it needs. Tuck one end just inside the other, less than 1/2 inch.

With one end inside the other, stitch it up.

STEP FIVE: Stitch ‘er up. That’s it! Now you’ve got a silly-long scarf you can loop twice or even three times. It is nice and full, and because of the material it is soft and warm.

Here’s the finished product:

I think it looks pretty good on Peanut. He’s a little bashful.

Here’s the finished product. What do you think?

See? It’s really easy, and minimal sewing skills are required. I hope it doesn’t look like I’m wearing my PJ’s wrapped around my neck, but as long as I don’t walk into my next slumber party see my scarf as someone else’s pajamas, I think I’m good. Now I can give this to my sister, who was such a good sport about the cowl/neckwarmer thing I knitted her for Christmas — it ended up being way too fuzzy and left wool hairs in your mouth after a bit. Not good.

Do you have any DIY projects that have worked? Not worked? I love hearing stories of things ventured, so feel free to chime in down below in the comment section. And maybe you consider subscribing? Thanks!

Voice, Privacy and Blogging

28
Jan

Portrait of Harry Belafonte, singing, 1954 Feb. 18. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Blogs are amazing things. They have a life of their own, with online friends and followers. They can even translate into real life income (or so I read). What makes certain blogs successful?

The research I’ve done all talks about focus, being an expert or doing reviews on products you really like.

What if you don’t want to build your blog around products? What if you’re not an expert in a specific field?

Even within the product review realm, a person needs to have an authentic voice and communicate their personality in their writing. That can vary with an expert blog, but even those tend to let the writer express his or her personality in the midst of dispensing tutorials or advice. Almost all the blogs which have become successful have a specific voice.

I have two blogs. The first I started as a creative outlet. I thought it would be mostly a bunch of book reviews. But it didn’t pan out that way. It morphed into a blog that was primarily about gardening, family and motherhood. (If you’re curious you can check it out here: http://fromthebooknerd.wordpress.com/). I didn’t work at connecting with other bloggers or blogs, and didn’t think much about growing a following. That’s okay; I was just starting out and it took me a while to figure out that it is a great venue.

This fall I started a new blog, one with a different focus. The blog you’re reading now is all about the journey of becoming a published writer. But it is bigger than that. Because by extension, this blog is about my life.

Usually I tend to be a little private. I’m not crazy about the idea of having my identity out there for anyone to scrutinize. In my previous blog I was careful not to use my real name or the names of my family. I don’t need the world to be able to identify my children on sight. But I realize now that being too guarded makes it difficult for people to distinguish me from anybody else.

Yes, people have short attention spans. But that doesn’t mean that all blog posts must be limited to less than 400 words.
Yes, people like to hear about products that work. But not every successful blog is based on product reviews.
Yes, sometimes people have voyeuristic tendencies but that doesn’t mean we need to keep all details of our lives to close to the vest.

We should always be mindful of what we share online, but it is when we share that people feel connected to us, and can even have validated their own shortcomings and struggles.

I’m an aspiring writer; I’m working to publish two novels and various essays. I am a wife and mom. I am a follower of Christ. These are things that define me and set me apart from my next door neighbor. These are things that inform everything I do. Beyond that, I am a klutz, a cornball, and a bit of a goof (maybe more than just a bit). These things set me apart from other people (somewhat unfortunately). By allowing my unique voice to come through in my writing, I can distinguish myself from the other blogs out there, and people might (cross everything) come back to see what new things are happening on the blog.

What techniques do you use when blogging? How do you decide what specifics of your life to share or keep private? What sets your blog apart from others? I’d love to hear what goes into your decisions concerning your blog. Feel free to comment below. Happy writing!

Sing

A Long December: Control, Expectations and Goal-Setting

10
Jan

hebkoords.jpg (Photo credit: pkicken)

Are you old enough to remember the song “A Long December” by Counting Crows? I kindof hate that song, mostly because when I was in college, a friend of mine used it as his moping song while his girlfriend was away for a month. In that context it was schmoopy and slightly pathetic (which, had I been the girl it was directed towards, I probably would have felt differently. Not that I wanted my friend to be schmoopy about me…but who doesn’t want their absence to be noticed?).

Well, reminiscing aside, it was a long December at my house. People were sick, large appliances went on the fritz, and animals needed medical attention (that doesn’t mean they all received medical attention, but they could have used it). Basically, my house was a Bermuda Triangle or Typhoid Mary and anything that came in contact with it was rendered ill or broken.

Perfect timing for cultivating a posture of reflection during the Advent season, huh?

There was something I’ve had to relearn (I hate that!) during that time of rescheduling family events, serving toast and applesauce for our holiday feasts, and generally having a significantly scaled-down Christmas: my expectations have the power to influence an experience for myself and everyone around me.

My expectations affect my attitude when the expectations are not met. If I allow my attitude to be affected negatively, I can let that negativity leak out onto the people I come in contact with. It has the potential to taint an experience for me and for them.

Here’s the thing. If something falls short of our expectations, it is because we can’t control and orchestrate every detail of our lives.

We can’t control illness or mishaps or accidents.

We can’t control others.

That really bugs people…

…especially women.

Maybe this is just in Minnesota (I doubt it), but women have this complex about everything going exactly according to plan, even though it so rarely happens that you’d think we would have figured it out by now. But nope, we still think we can finesse the circumstances, details and people involved to achieve our desired outcome. This results in control freak-y friends, wives and moms who walk around with unmet expectations a lot of the time who have:

So fixated on managing every detail that they’re a hand-grenade with legs and a purse

Resent the fact that they had to tell people what they wanted (these people should have instinctively known, after all!) so even when they get it, the experience is diminished

Created an environment where the people who were strong-armed or guilt-tripped into acquiescing are beat down and looking for an escape

Who wants to live like that?

This year I wanted to take a writing class from our regional writing hotbed, The Loft Literary Center. I fully intended to do it, had checked out the catalog (available online at https://www.loft.org/) and flagged certain classes that might fit into my family’s schedule.

Then it just didn’t happen.

There were lots of roadblocks and obstacles that just kept it from happening.

I was disappointed in myself. I had set the goal, thought it was attainable and reasonable, and then I didn’t get it done.

I have two choices in reaction to this failed attempt. I can beat myself up and approach it with a negative attitude (“I never follow through. I’m such a flop. Why try to set goals at all? Who am I fooling?”).

Good times, huh?

The alternative is acknowledge the reality. Don’t make excuses but recognize what happened and why.

I didn’t take the class. True. Why? Because I chose to prioritize my family’s needs over my personal goals. Don’t berate yourself or become one of those Martyr Mothers (“I give up all of myself for my family and I’m so unappreciated. Boo hoo.”) we all know.

Learn from what happened, and look for ways to achieve the next goal.

Was the goal too Loft-y? (Get it? Lofty? Loft-y? Mwah ah ah.) Maybe something closer to home or a one time commitment is more attainable. Modify the goal and see if that still achieves the purpose behind the goal, even on a smaller scale. For example, I didn’t get to the Loft Literary Center series of classes, but I did go to a community education class on publishing. Not quite the same, but a step in the right direction for me.

What goals do you have this year? How do you intend to achieve them? How do you handle disappointment? Are you aware of your unspoken expectations? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Happy writing!

Excerpt from Chapter 17

9
Jan

This is from my former blog, but I thought I would share it here. The story the post mentions is now complete, edited and ready for…what? I don’t know what will happen with it, but it feels great to have it done.
If you have time to read the story (attached as a PDF file) I’d love to hear your feedback. And feel free to comment with any links you have to your own Works In Progress. Let’s support each other. Happy writing!

Fake It ‘Till You Make It

3
Jan

This joke came to my attention this week. I don’t know where from but I know I didn’t make it up (see, no copyright infringement here):

Question: What do you call a fake noodle?

Answer: An impasta.

Okay. Okay. Settle down. Take a breath or you’re gonna get the hiccups. I know it is funny, but it’s not that funny. Well, maybe it is, but let’s move on.

This week I feel like a fake noodle. I haven’t gotten anything in print for a couple months, my writing efforts in December were frequently thwarted, and I won’t hear back on three other submissions until the end of January. A whole month! That’s a lifetime from now. I’m back on elementary school time, where each day felt like the equivalent of a month.

There’s a guideline out there about having 13 in play at all times, saying that at any given moment you should have at least 13 projects at some stage of development. My measly three hardly even merit mention on that scale (wait, maybe I can finesse that number up by two because I have two – no, three! – other projects I’m working on. Where does that leave us? Six? Can that be right? *sigh*)

I hope I haven’t led anyone astray as they visit this blog, possibly someone hoping for tried and true tricks that will assure a publishing deal. There’s no one formula for that. And when you hear about most people’s writing story, it usually involves grinding it out for quite a while before something “happens” to take things to the next level.

I swing wildly in my confidence about this happening for me. One moment I think I might actually have the gumption, fortitude and creativity to make it for the long-haul as a extremely minor writer. On a different day I am pretty convinced that I’m fooling myself and should be realistic and quit being too big for my britches.

The irony is that this is supposed to be a blog about writing. Inherent in that purpose comes the assumption that the person writing knows something about writing, or that she has achieved some level of success.

Nope, not me.

I’ve had a bunch of things published in random places along the way, I’ve finished and revised my first novel, I’m more than 3/4 way through writing my second novel, but I always thought I would do something working with youth or kids in some way (kids other than my own).

All my energies were directed that way.

But here’s a secret I discovered.

God had/has a lot of work to do on me. I had a lot of identity tied up in vocation and job, particularly because I thought I would work with youth in a church setting. If I wasn’t going to be a youth minister for a long haul, what the heck was I supposed to do? Who was I? If I’m not doing something that is dubbed significant by others, where do I glean my significance?

More on that another time, but suffice it to say that it took YEARS to field that question, and it is still my fallback issue when I start to wonder if it matters that I fold that load of laundry or write that blog post.

Maybe I’m less of an impostor than I initially thought. Maybe I’m just at the beginning stages of taking writing seriously enough to do it publically and take credit for it. In addition to fiction, I’ve written scripts, devotionals, newsletters, curriculum and news articles. That all counts towards refining my skills. Maybe acknowledging the journey is a good place to start.

The next step is to clean up my writing area.

All In Good Time

1
Jan

hebkoords.jpg (Photo credit: pkicken)

Sometimes I get super frustrated when things don’t go the way I want.

I feel a little like a toddler who doesn’t get her own way — I secretly want to throw a little temper tantrum (and maybe I throw one internally anyway, just a little one).

This December was a good example.

First one of my kids got the stomach flu, right when my husband and I were supposed to go away overnight for the first time in years. Then just when we thought we were in the clear, my other two kids came down with it. At one point I was holding the buckets for both of them simultaneously. Nasty. Once we got through the worst of that (the sanitation process, the washing, the disinfecting),my husband came down with it.

In the midst of all that, both our cars needed work, our stand-up freezer conked out and the cat had a near death experience. My honey missed one Christmas and we had to reschedule a second. Nothing went according to plan.

Have you ever felt like that with your writing?

I have. I don’t mean in the sense of discovering themes or plot twists you didn’t anticipate. That’s all fun. I mean those times when all your timing seems to go out the window.

I’ve set goals I didn’t meet, missed self-imposed deadlines, tried to do things only to be thwarted at every attempt, run into obstacles that seemed to almost be put there by an invisible force.

It is immensely frustrating.

The crazy thing is though, that many many times, there ends up being a reason why my plans didn’t work out, writing plans or other plans. And almost every time I forget what has happened in the past, so it surprises me anew (short memory? slow learner? non-detail-oriented person?).

The reason why my plans didn’t work out? Many times, more times than I have kept track of, there was something bigger at work.

Let’s be clear. I do not believe in a Calvinist theology of God ordaining every little detail of our every day lives. However, I do believe that God steps in and…tweaks things when they need tweaking. Some things are part of the plan. I don’t think He cares if you eat a peanut butter bagel or cereal for breakfast, unless this has some impact on things. Lots of details don’t matter, but some matter deeply. Hope

My encouragement to you is to look for the reasons why something didn’t work out. These reasons can be a while in coming, but they often will come, if you watch for them. If you cultivate an awareness of patterns and “coincidences” you might be excited as details start to pop out in greater relief for you. You might even start seeing them all over the place. I hope you can remember them better than I have!

Here’s a New Year’s wish for you in 2013 — I wish you productive, fulfilling, creative genius as you work in whatever arena you choose, and greater awareness of the way God is at work in you life (even if you don’t pay Him much attention. He is no stranger to unrequited love). 🙂 Blessings!

Sit Down Already: Do Not Politicize Grief

18
Dec

Oh. My. Word. I usually sit quietly and let others have their little rants and soapboxes. Often I just skim over them, avoid checking the news or Facebook for a couple days and things settle down again. But I just can’t get over the way some people are using a tragedy to further their own agendas, many of which have NOTHING to do with the main issue at hand, a.k.a. control of automatic or semi-automatic guns.

For the record, I still cannot say more than about 10 words about the horrific event at Sandy Hook without being overcome with grief. I’m not exaggerating. 10 words. That’s all I can get out before I start crying.

Also for the record, I believe in God and His Risen Son Jesus Christ.

However, DO NOT tell me that if we had just allowed church and state to mingle and allowed open prayer time in schools, somehow that would have averted that terrible Friday.

DO NOT tell me that if the country would just turn back to God that somehow all the bad guys would just magically go to some other country that hadn’t turned back to God.

And DO NOT tell me that somehow God is punishing us, punishing our children, for the direction our country is going.

To quote the movie Madagascar 3, that is all a bunch of bolshevik.

That’s all I can manage for now and still keep my wig. On behalf of other people who believe in and follow Jesus, I am so very sorry for how in many online venues, Christ has been misrepresented to the bereaved people dealing with the Sandy Hook ordeal. Please do not equate Jesus with the idiots who claim to follow Him in their misguided, often harmful ways. I’m one of those followers, even though sometimes it pains me to say it, but that doesn’t mean that those vocal block-heads represent an accurate picture of Jesus. What some people are doing now is almost to the point of being a spiritual misdemeanor, bordering on a form of spiritual abuse. Somebody ought to take away their microphone privileges for a good long while.

Sandy Hook, I’m deeply, deeply sorry for your terrible, mind-numbing loss. You are not alone in this; the parents of this entire country stand with you. You will never be the same, and in our own pathetic version of it, neither will we.

Denied

13
Dec

English: Access Denied (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After NaNoWriMo I happened across a literary agency that was having a contest. People were supposed to enter the first 500 words of their NaNo work and the prize was a professional critique of the work.

It sounded easy. I mean, how many other people could have come across the website and contest?

I never did find out what my odds were but no matter what they were, I didn’t win.

It’s fine.

There are other contests I haven’t won; a couple of them anyway.

I’m not dwelling on it though. Here’s why:

I don’t need a contest to validate my passion for writing. I don’t need someone else to tell me that its okay for me to write. Someone else’s opinion of my writing is based on so many factors that I don’t need to be disappointed if they don’t dig what I write. If you asked me to read some erotic, violent apocalyptic sci-fi story, I wouldn’t enjoy it. It would be hard for me to see past the details and analyze the writing for its merit. Conversely, if someone is into the aforementioned genre, it would be hard for that person to appreciate a quiet novel about four moms trying to figure out how to be friends and feed their families (yes, that’s my NaNo Work In Progress novel).

The point is, if you want to write, do it.

Don’t wait for someone else to tell you its okay for you to write.

You don’t need someone else to validate the thing that drives you to write or create.

If you want to write, do it. And do it now. Don’t wait for someone to give you permission. Don’t wait for your life to settle down or for that long-standing issue to be resolved. If you wait, it won’t happen. You won’t ever be given any more time than you have now, there’s no squeezing another hour out of 24. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. You have something to share and even if it takes many attempts and a lot of rejection, only you can write what you can write. No one else can do it, so don’t leave the rest of us hangin’. Go find the time and make it happen.

Blindfold Your Inner Editor

10
Dec

English: A backspace key in its natural habitat, having been removed from a keyboard. Backspace is the computer key used to delete prior text. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When you are writing, how often do you use the backspace key? How often do you hit delete? Do you use spell-check frequently as you go along (maybe you’re word processing program does it for you, which can be less than helpful at times)? Do you find that these activities break your writing rhythm or are you possibly using them to fill the time when you can’t think of what should come next? Do the words seem to pour out or come out in dribbles?

In the last week of November, someone gave me a seriously helpful tip. I was skeptical until I actually tried it. She suggested that I try typing in white.

Huh?

She said that if you type the words in white, you can’t see them against the background of white, and therefore can’t stop and correct every little typo or misplaced word.

This trick almost doubled my productivity. You’ve probably heard about these things called sprints or wordsprints, but before November I hadn’t; the idea is to write as much as you can in a certain amount of time. The time varies but I found that I could stay focused better when the sprint was shorter, about 15 or 20 minutes. It starts feeling more like a long distance jog when you increase the time to, say, 45 minutes.

When I typed in white, I found that I didn’t worry about getting all the spellings right or fixing it if I mixed up the name of the diner. I just told the story. When I couldn’t see the words, I thought more about the story I already had in my head, and then that story came out in complete sentences rather than word by word.

You know you’re going to go back over your work, you know some of the characters names will always show up with red spelling squiggles under them, you know there will be things to flesh out. Until you get to that point, and while you’re working to get the full first draft complete, your inner editor will be much more tame if she’s blindfolded. See what kind of results you get when you try typing a section in white. Give it 15 minutes, and I bet you’ll be surprised.