TC Larson

Stories and Mischief

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Safe Risks

18
Feb

"The Favorite" - Grandfather and Gra...

“The Favorite” – Grandfather and Grandson – “Ο Αγαπημένος του Παππού” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Do you have a confidence problem?

Is there something you’re passionate about doing but that you keep to yourself?

We’ll come back to that. Put a little bookmark in your brain.

My grandfather was a large, authoritarian man who’s hearing had gone. We usually only saw them at holidays when he and my grandmother insisted we come to their house even though my siblings and I protested to our parents. I can still smell the combination of burning coffee and pork roast.

He couldn’t hear very well and this, combined with a loud voice starting point, made it sound like yelling when he addressed our family. He’d welcome us, get choked up and have to wipe his nose with a thin hanky, and frequently before the prayer he’d include a brief poem he had written.

I’ve come up with three reasons to excuse my reaction to his poems:

  1. Maybe it was his presentation, simultaneously bossy and emotional or
  2. Maybe I was an ornery teenager or
  3. Maybe I was hungry and felt that he was holding our dinner for ransom.

The way I remember it, though, his poems were a lot of clichéd, rhyming schlock. (I hope I’m wrong, because this is so ungenerous, and that if I read them now I might be able to find some value or beauty in them.) But if my grandpa ever had any doubts about the merit of his work, it didn’t show. He subjected us to his poems against our will, and was convinced of their quality.

All of this is conjecture, since I never took the time to ask him about the poems. We didn’t really talk in that way.

As I’ve rediscovered writing in the past four years, my family has been supportive. My husband doesn’t understand my drive to write, but he tries to ask me questions about how it’s going, tries to relate. My parents talk me up, tell other people that I’m writing, call me a writer. They sound proud of me.

While I appreciate their votes of confidence, I feel bashful and self-conscious.

My secret fear is that my writing will be self-indulgent, that I’ll subject people to hear it who have no interest in it.

Even though people have encouraged me, people who write and know writing, I still have a hard time not making disclaimers about my writing.

My sister called me out on it.

This girl was near th...

She asked me why I talk down the writing I’m doing, why I sound like Eeyore when I tell her about the writing contest I entered but probably have no chance of winning, for example. I tried to remind her that I’m charmingly self-deprecating, but her question was a good one.

Why do I dismiss my writing? Why do I lack confidence?

I think a lot of people get nervous about using the descriptors “writer” or “author” (or, eeek! “artist” which conjures up its own imagesWriting and pressures) because it sounds presumptuous since how can I call myself a writer if I haven’t gotten that novel published, if I haven’t received a check for that article, if I haven’t gotten an accolade that distinguishes my work from that of someone else.

Should our confidence hinge on external assessments?

While internal motivation and drive are absolute requirements, getting outside validation can be helpful and…validating. 🙂 Writing is something that requires self-starting and especially if you are at the beginning of building your writing into a career, no one is checking up on you to make sure you’ve written X number of words today.

In the end, if you can take safe risks with your writing (or painting or DIY project or collection) it will give you a measure of confidence you may not have been able to get on your own. Enter that contest, submit something to your newspaper or offer something to a like-minded blog. Make a little foray to share your work with someone other than your dog and you will gain confidence that comes with letting your work see daylight.

****

As a little fun, this clip from SNL totally exemplifies the fear I have about being inappropriately confident/self-indulgent. It’s from the episode with Daniel Radcliffe and is pretty clean (mostly). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSjLiQxEZlM

Discussion: Comments {7} Filed Under: Family, Writing

Active Waiting

8
Feb

Some people hate waiting. The inability to produce a desired result makes some people feel powerless, anxious and grumpy. When there are so many things to wait for in life, people get really miffed if they are stuck waiting for something that English: The Long Wait Waiting for the Leeds t...shouldn’t take long.

We have to wait for our tax return (if we’re lucky enough to get one).

We have to wait for a test result from the doctor’s office.

We have to wait for our kids to put on those DOGGONE LACE-UP SHOES.

It’s enough to drive you bonkers.

Right now I’m waiting to hear back about a bunch of writing projects; some of them are articles I submitted, some are writing contests. Waiting is hard.

There is a way to make waiting easier.

Rather than just sit there and watch the hands on the clock move in slow motion, why not use the time? I keep running into this quote and I think it is one that will stick with me:

Never give up on a dream because it will take too long to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway. >Earl Nightingale

So many times we are in such a rush to move on to the next agenda item, to cross off something our list, that we don’t admire the moment we’re in. We shuffle along with our heads down, moving from one appointment to the next, and don’t look up from our feet. And we wonder why we’re tired, depressed, disconnected or unenergized?

This is the point at which I am tempted to write a list of things you can do while you wait. But I’m going to resist the bullet-points. Each person must find her own active form of waiting. For some it will be a physical activity or it could be something that engages a totally unrelated part of your brain. But that’s all the list I want to offer because I know that you can find your own version. You know what will energize you, buoy your spirits as you hold out for that piece of news, for that next door to open for you.

English: Waiting Waiting for the ferry passeng...We humans can be so fickle. How often do we wish we had more time in a day? But when that time comes but doesn’t meet our specifications, we get grumpy. Extra time can be a gift. It can give us time to prepare ourselves for that next phase. Sometimes when we have to wait for something, we discover in the waiting that it isn’t what we wanted or needed. It can also give us time to build up resilience or a reserve of experience we will need.

Waiting doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Maybe today we can resolve to wait graciously with our eyes open to life around us, rather than eyes squinched shut and a cloud over our heads. I’ll try if you will!

 

Discussion: Comments {0} Filed Under: Family, Writing

Helping Kids Deal with a Pet’s Death

4
Feb

We’ve had bad run of luck here with animals. But before I can tell you about it, I have to tell you about the transformation that’s been happening since we moved to our house two years ago.

We acquired our dog first, nothing unusual about that. Here he is (and yes, despite the scarf and painful cuteness, he is male):

Don't I look sassy?

Don’t I look sassy?

And then this past spring we got chickens.

Two of our chickens prancing around the coop.

Two of our chickens prancing around the coop.

The chickens did well and after a few months we started to get eggs from them each day. We settled into a good pattern.

Then somehow my husband talked me into getting a kitten. It was going to stay in the garage and be an outside cat. We kept her out of the house (except when she snuck in), but I didn’t manage to keep her out of my stupid heart. I don’t even like cats! But she was irresistible. She ended up being fun all the way around for everyone; she had a great personality. The kids loved and hated the way she attacked their feet when they went out into the mudroom for their coats or backpacks. Even when she tripped us on the way out the door, it was because of love.

It was all going so well.

Two weeks ago, our kitty met an untimely demise in our garage. She darted across the garage as my husband slowly entered, and she misjudged her own speed and agility. Her death was quick, for which I was grateful.

When it happened and we realized there was no saving her, it was a study in child development to watch how my kids reacted. After about five minutes, my first grader and preschooler  asked when we could get a new cat. They wanted to pet her and say goodbye, but it was more of a scientific observation. “Here is a dead cat” type of thing. However, my third grade son retreated to his room, where he asked if he could watch a video or read his book. His eyes were watery and he was upset.

I felt the same way. I wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened, and my first reaction was to find something that could distract me from being sad. I’m a happy gal usually, and feeling sadness is…well, a bummer. I noticed again that when dealing with a difficult situation, my gut reaction is to retreat.

When my son felt the sadness of loss, I didn’t want him to have to feel those emotions. I wanted to cheer him up (and myself too). However, rather than ignore or dull the experience, I took a different approach.

When children feel pain, it is important to assure them it isn’t the final thing they will feel.

Feelings can be scary and overwhelming. Parents can help them walk through the intensity.

Here are a couple suggestions:

  1. If you can, try to keep your own emotions somewhat in check. It can be scary for a child to see his parent openly distraught. Sharing some tears is healthy; asking your child to bear your grief is not.
  2. Assure your child that it is okay to feel sad, that it a strong feeling, much the same as anger (which my son and I have talked about in the past).
  3. Kids don’t need to hide from their feelings even though they were kindof overwhelming. The feeling “sad” is not a permanent emotion, and “happy” will return.
  4. I told my son it was good to be sad because he had loved the kitty and when pets we love die, we feel sad and will miss them.

We got through it. We aren’t getting another cat, even though my first grader seems to have one picked out in his mind. In another blog post, I plan to talk about the difference between the way we handle life and death with animals that we have for food production versus pets.

Was this helpful to you? I sure hope so. How do you deal with strong emotions and life lessons with your kids? I’d love to hear about it. But in parting, I’ll leave you with a photo of our kitten (almost cat) climbing up on our windshield:

Fuzzy pic but still cute

Fuzzy pic but still cute

Discussion: Comments {2} Filed Under: Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Staying at Home, Uncategorized

So Much More than “Just a Mom”

29
Jan

Kids House - 155/365

We can be so dismissive. Here we go around all day trying to build up our families, build up our children, and yet we often describe our own role as one of little value.

“I’m just a mom.”

“I just stay at home with the kids.”

Why all the “justs” in these statements?

We are important. We help keep things together. We are what makes it possible for the family to sit down to dinner together, to not get yelled at for making personal calls during work hours, to go to bed before midnight since some of the tedious jobs required have been taken care of.  We are important.

It is 100% fine if mothers want to work outside the home. They are just as important to their families and no less mother-y. And it is 100% fine if mothers want to stay home and not leave for a job. Lord knows there’s enough to do around the house just to keep things under control, kids in school or not. There is nothing “less than” about being a mom. Until people have done it, they can’t really understand how all-consuming it is, how much work it really is, and how wonderfully rewarding it can be. Family Portrait

Let’s agree that not everyone can stay at home with their kids. Some would if they had the choice but the economy of their family make-up dictates they produce an income. Some don’t because they have a desire to engage in their field of study or expertise. Admit it, you know there are some people who would go nuts if they stayed home with the kids. It’s just not the way they are wired.

We as women have an important choice – we can criticize one another or we can acknowledge that there are days when those of us who stay home wish we had a job to go to; staying home can be hard. There’s no reason for us to tear each other down. Women who came before us worked hard to see that we have the right to hold jobs and get equal(ish) pay for that work. And now we have the right to choose to stay home, even if it is only for a season.

Many times we think there is a commentary being made by someone who has not made the same choice we have. But what we don’t consider is that the reverse is true as well. Maybe we can all agree to think the best about one another, that we are doing the best we can for our families and for ourselves.

 

 

 

Discussion: Comments {9} Filed Under: Family, Motherhood, Parenting, Staying at Home

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