Alternate title: She’s a Freak…Yow!
It has been confirmed once again that I am the exception to the norm, that my brain doesn’t work in the similar patterns as the brains of other women, and that women today consistently share one common characteristic: worry.
Women worry about everything.
A woman worries if it is time to move her child to a front-facing car seat.
She worries about her husband’s safety on a work trip out of town.
She worries about the mole she noticed on her shoulder.
She worries about the comment she made at party last weekend.
These things are reasonable, when taken individually. Who doesn’t want to make the best decision about the health or safety of their family members? The thing that unites women is not just the fact that they worry about common things; it’s that they don’t just worry, they obsess.
Almost every woman I know mulls things over, and over and over, until a problem or decision that was fairly small gains unmerited importance and gravity. Will the house be ready when company comes over? Why did my co-worker make that suggestion yesterday and what did he mean by it? When my in-laws offer me a maid service as a birthday gift, what are they really saying?
The constant analysis and deconstruction of every detail of every interaction robs women of their confidence, their self-worth and their joy. Who has time to be joyful when there are so many bird-y things pecking at them all the time? If left unchecked, women’s worrying can make them stop trusting their instincts and put their worth in the hands of the people outside themselves. When allowed to grow, this shakiness can lead to chronic and sometimes debilitating anxiety.
I’m trying to discern why this is so commonplace. What messages are women given that leads them down this road? How can we keep this from being passed down to our daughters?
And how did it NOT get passed to me?
I’d love to hear your insights and experiences with worry and anxiety.
Great post! I think the answer to your questions about why women worry and how we can keep it from overwhelming our daughters is sort-of answered by the previous paragraph. In my experience, the things that you say are effects of worrying (which I agree, they are effects of worrying) are also causes of worrying.
You said, “If left unchecked, women’s worrying can make them stop trusting their instincts and put their worth in the hands of the people outside themselves.” – and I would add that many of us women, early in childhood, learned from the people and culture around us that we can’t trust our instincts, that what other people think and say and feel about us is the measure of our worth.
In my adult life, I’ve been working at un-learning these things. It’s crazy hard at first, but the more I trust my own instincts and work to love and respect people even when it’s likely they don’t “approve” of me; the easier and more fulfilling it becomes to live my life in peace.
But I’m very interested in your story – how did it not get passed to you? Did you ever go through a phase in life where this stuff mattered, or is there something about your personality in play here? Can you identify with the childhood experience I mentioned above, or was your childhood different? (I am truly curious because I can’t always differentiate between a “typical American” childhood and my specifically fundamentalist Christian one – not, of course, that there is any such thing as typical!).
Julia, thank you for your insights. I totally agree with you that many many women measure worth by what other people think. And contantly comparing ourselves to those around us only serves to exacerbate the problem.
I’ve been trying to evaluate this and see if I actually DO worry but am not aware of it? And of course there are always times when any person will worry about a given person or situation. But the habitual, paralyzing worry I see women struggle with is, for whatever reason, not a burden I have to carry.
There was a time when I was in early elementary school and my dad was on a long trip overseas. One night while he was gone, I began to think about what it would feel like if my dad died (*sorry dad* and thanks for not dying on that trip (or any other time for that matter) ’cause it would have seriously messed me up!). I got myself so worked up that I could hardly stop crying. I discovered that evening that I had the power to turn on and off my emotions by fixating on a certain event or specific feeling. Conversely, I discovered that by not allowing myself to dwell on a grim possibility that had not come into being, I could release myself from the terrible worry, dread, and heaviness of the experience…which hadn’t even happened anyway! Maybe it started then — maybe that was the moment I started to choose to take control of my mind and the messages I fed it? I’m not sure, I’m still trying to get to the bottom of this one!
Also when I was growing up, I was frequently called a “weirdo” by kids around me, even my friends. I think that maybe you can only hear this for so long before you have to deal with it, to counteract it or “speak against it” somehow. It’s that or let it define you negatively.
Let me think about this and get back to you. I’m interested to hear HOW you’ve been un-learning worry, and how you’ve been able to start trusting your own instincts. Let’s hear it! (Oh, and by the way, both my parents were coming out of a fundamentalist Christian upbringing and actively making choices to not pass on that heritage to their children. Wonder if they let the pendulum swing a long way in the other direction? Interesting thought…)
Thanks again for taking the time to read and to comment!